SHEDNOTES 111: For the Filofacts – Jokes by Bernard Manning

Some time ago, The Shed filed the Best Of Bernard Manning as recalled by Telegraph readers after his death in 2007. But it was in a corner of this site which is now being closed, so here they are again. The Shed submits that the one about Mad Cow Disease, at least, is worth saving …

From Les Wray
When visiting an old folks’ home, I met an old lady on the stairs and said to her: Do you know who I am? And she replied: No, but if you ask matron she’ll tell you.
From Ian Andrews
My sister went into a hairdresser’s and said: Make me look like Barbra Streisand. So he hit her over the nose with a brush.
From Geoffrey Gunning
Show me a home where the buffalo roam … and I’ll show you a house full of shit.
From Christian J Morris
Two cows in a field. One says: Have you heard about this Mad Cow Disease? The other replies: It doesn’t affect me, I’m a duck.
From Mike Connell
Quasimodo returned home and noticed the wok was on the kitchen table. He asked the wife: Are we having Chinese for dinner? She said: No, I’m going to iron you a shirt.
From David Shaw
Guy walks into a shop, says he wants to buy a wasp. Shopkeeper says: We don’t sell em. Customer says: Why not, you’ve got one in the window.
From Chris Hayes
Three teams of mountaineers: English, Irish and Scottish, in a race up Everest. At 15,000 feet, the English radio in to say they’re giving up because of bad weather. The Scots get to 25,000 feet and give up because of frostbite. The Irish get to 100 feet from the summit and give up because they’ve run out of scaffolding.
More can be found in the Telegraph readers’ discussion of Bernard Manning recorded at
The Filofacts is a collection of stuff you might want to put into a personal organiser for the day the internet bombs. More of it at


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