SHEDNOTES 112: A floating vote lands

The Shed promised 99 comments over 99 days of election campaigning and has failed to deliver, but luckily has disappointed not too many people.

In the end …

Our well-occupied Tory benches argued that despite a lacklustre campaign, Cameron is actually a quite impressive kind of posh boy: a good leader; a realist; a genuine liberal; and right on Europe, which is the big issue everyone else has copped out of.

However, Old Labour quoted Polly Toynbee, who is normally a bit Islington for these parts but hit a few nails on the head with the following observations on “English Conservatism’s riptide undercurrents”, in a Guardian article worth reading in full at

Meet the invisibles – the wealthy and powerful at the heart of the Tory party

Their world is the beating heart of the modern Tory party, its financial backers, its influencers who whisper to David Cameron’s people in private gatherings, country suppers and the secret salons of Westminster restaurants; the world where Lord Chadlington, lobbying supremo, chats over the stone wall between his estate and Cameron’s in Witney. Murmuring what? We never know. Cameras pry into benefits street but none invade this private life of the nation.

No one they meet votes Labour. “You mean just as we are repairing the frightful damage done by Labour, you want to put them back in? Good God!” “What, piss it all up the wall again? Pardon my French – but you want all those people back on welfare?”

“You do realise,” said a woman on several boards, “it’s us middle classes who are the motor of the economy? Government has nothing if we don’t generate wealth for them to spend – spending it on people who create nothing.”

To understand the Cameron world, hear this drumbeat in their ears, their native noise. Forget the phoney “march of the makers”, the hard hats and hi-vis jackets of electioneering: when they leave politics, Tories return to this natural habitat.

Greed, selfishness, unimpeded inheritance, privilege cemented down the generations, cutting benefits while giving more to the wealthy – those are the Conservative passions.”

The Shed heard an objection pointing out that there are other kinds of Tory, but had to allow that Toynbee was right to remind us who is really pulling the strings when we are told There Is No Alternative.

The Shed has always rather enjoyed UKIP, and can’t understand anyone who cannot understand their appeal, but even we wouldn’t want the fuckers in charge. The Shed would vote Green except it doesn’t want to give up coal and nuclear power. As for New Labour, The Shed has had about enough of them and doesn’t feel inclined to gamble on the Two Eds getting them on track. Almost everything Labour ought to do for the working classes is forbidden by EU agreements and they show no inclination to tackle any of that. The other problem with New Labour, and the Lib Dems come to that, is their emphasis on their great big compassions. The Shed does not want anyone being compassionate with its money. It wants cold-eyed calculation.

Al Murray identified a big issue nobody has touched in his report on campaigning for FUKP, against Nigel Farage in South Thanet.

“The number one thing my focus group was interested in was dog shit.”

The Shed has long argued that carting the entire horrible faecal output of a species around the nation in plastic bags is not a good solution to this ancient and omnipresent problem and we should ask all politicians to come up with a better one before we hear what they think about Syria or global warming.

In the end, in this constituency, the Conservative looks like a classic asshole anyway, the Lib Dem has a chance, and all in all, The Shed can think of worse results than Nick Clegg once more operating as a light ball and chain on the Tory right.


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